Spoilers about our coolness. At least one of us.



But does it have shanties?


If not, it’s dead to me.


Ah, see, this is how PC mods work. Some dude mods a pirate game. Next dude mods the mod to give it shanties. Next dude mods the mod’s mod to make everyone naked.

See what you miss on PC? Or, as you say, on the computer?


My computer is a Mac, man. I maintain I’m just being pedantically accurate.

Also meaning, I could never play any of these games because they’re not on the Mac. I do see what you’re saying about missing out, though…naked shanties. Tempting. Very tempting.


“Pedantically accurate.” Oh it’s one of THOSE arguments. Hipster.

Modding, man. Think of the free time some dude invested in improving skyrim’s breast physics.

I did laugh at the one that substituted Thomas the Tank Engine for every dragon in Skyrim…..


Well, I got it secondhand and it’s now about 10 years old, so I don’t know how hipster it is, but…yeah. Oh, wait, secondhand and old IS hipster, because it’s, like, retro or ironically poverty-conscious, or something, right?

I can’t keep it straight.

Thomas the Tank Engine is a good fit for dragons. You’re right, you don’t get that kind of innovation on consoles.


It is! Ironically misusing the word “irony.” Though now my hipster brother (who spends SO much time looking like he doesn’t shave, because you have to look like you don’t care, which takes a lot of time) says that now something called “norm-core” is in. This is looking like a very plain suburbanite who doesn’t care how they look. Like someone who wears LL Bean jeans with holes and a ten year old sweater and hasn’t shaved since Sunday.

A look that comes absolutely natural to me.

I am, without doubt, the coolest sonofabitch you’ve ever known.

Let’s keep norm-core in. This is my one window of being super “it.”

The Thomas mod actually was kinda creepy. Hearing that whistle far away in the mountains….seeing him breathe fire through that weird smiling face…..

This is really a thing.


I’ve heard of normcore! I could do that really well too. I wear jeans with holes and no makeup and ratty old sweaters!

Although is it more of a guy thing? Who the hell knows. But yeah, I’m all for keeping it the hot thing for the next decade.


Ah, see, holes ain’t it. That’s too bohemian. You have to look aggressively, totally normal. Like, see, I’m about to go out, get a haircut, buy some groceries, so I changed into my good jeans, which are exactly the same as the bad jeans except they have no holes. That, this old, light green crew neck, plain boots, I’m IT man.

We can keep it a nice, popular, unisex thing. Hell, it’s been my thing for upwards of 35 years. It’s timeless.


Oh, great. Just when I think I’m cool, I find I’ve gone too bohemian. I’ve patched the holes! Doesn’t that count for anything?

No, no, I can see it wouldn’t…patching holes would require putting too much effort into it.

Sigh. Fashion is hard.


In the you can’t make this shit up department, as well as in the furthering the conversation department and the God DAMN I’m cool department:

So I just went and got a haircut and, as I am chatty and it was on my mind, started chatting with the nice woman that cuts my hair about norm core and style and shit, and she tells me that there’s a trend with stylish 20 somethings and even teenyboppers to want to dye their hair…..wait for it…..grey. Yup. Grey. Not like shiny Japanese RPG hero weird grey. Old dude like me grey. Indeed, it has posed a problem for salon chains like Supercuts because….surprise surprise….there really isn’t a whole lot of grey hair dye, because, really, hair dye is used to NOT be grey. There’s a scramble to make good formulae for grey out of black and blond and stuff.

She actually told me that my hair shade is what they’re going for.

I swear on my children I am not making this up.

This weekend, I’m going to Brooklyn and OWNING the scene, man. At least until 8:30 or so when I get tired.


Wooooooooooooow…this is your moment! May I just say, I am honored and privileged to be addressing such an icon of cool as yourself at this time.

I’m going to start name-dropping you around the scene and waiting for the style sheets to come to me for interviews about how I knew you BEFORE you were gray.

Of course, first I have to find the scene, and then I have to get them to let me into it, which will be difficult given that I am not nearly as cool as you.


What? Sorry. Was setting up my GQ shoot.


Understood. I’ll just go sit in the wallflower corner over here and wait for the gray hair dye to be perfected.


As you should. As you should.