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Our own Butch McPuncherson intrepidly reports on Monday’s developments from E3

Butch:

Ok, so while I slept, you slept and Mr. O’, no doubt, hit level 22, Bethesda had its first ever E3 presser. Want the crib notes? Of course you do.

Dishonored is getting a remaster for the PS4, and a sequel, called, not surprisingly, Dishonored 2. Out next year, or something.

Doom something or other is coming, there’ll be guns and demons and violence and stuff.

And that Fallout 4 game….they mentioned that a lot. Here’s the best round up I’ve found:
http://kotaku.com/bethesda-closed-their-e3-presentation-with-a-bang-today-1711315740

Basically, here’s what ya gotta know: November 10, 2015. Yup. This year. By Xmas. Of this year.

Why do I worry I’ll have nothing to play? I’m so going to be still witchin.

How CAN you be missing this? Plants vs Zombies: Garden Warfare 2? Some game with….cars….at least I think it’s a game….they just brought a real car from the sky……

Well, what I did learn at MS’s show is that listening to a dude with a thick French accent talk about “Rainbow Six: Siege” is unintentionally hilarious. Try saying that with a French accent. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Kinda ruins the badassity of the trailer.

Feminina:

Ooh, exciting!

Mr. O’ was kind of meh about Dishonored. I think he thought it was an interesting idea, but he wasn’t that excited about the actual play. Not to the extent that he ever encouraged me to give it a try, certainly.

But someday if we’re short on stuff to do (hahahaha), who knows?

Butch:

Ain’t it? I’m very hyped for more fallout. And I say “These are the same dudes that made FO3!” and I’m happy. Then I say “And the same dudes that made Skyrim,” and I’m scared. Still, it’s fitting in nicely with the “witch until FO4, then play that until TR2 hits the PS4” plan. So far, so good.

Feminina:

Hard to believe they kept it quiet for so long and now it’s out in freaking November, but good on them I guess. At least it will control the hype into a semi-reasonable time frame.

Butch:

Well, “rumors” were rife, all of which turned out to be true. But yeah, I’m ok with small hype windows. It’s how Bethesda do. They announced Skyrim five months before release, too.

Oh, stop the presses. If I have an X1 I can play Madden six days sooner.

Feminina:

GET THE X1! Now! Almost a full week more Madden!!!!

Butch:

Now we’re watching “indies debuting first on X1.” Which means we can wait a couple months and get ’em free on PS+. Showing Gone Home dev’s next one.

Feminina:

Gone Home was supposed to be good, right? Maybe their next will be something for the backfiles. When it comes to PS+ and we’re low on stuff to play. Hahaha.

Butch:

It was. Was one of those “Is it a game?” games that we like. We’ll get it someday.

Now they’re doing VR and AR. All that stuff for after the brain surgery. Some dude is building minecraft shit in the air and shit. It’s…..damn. Too bad it’s just minecraft. Morrigan in AR….hmm…..

Man, I hope I don’t someday don’t have to get brain surgery just to play games.

Feminina:

I totally buy that someday everyone will need brain surgery to play games. “It’s just a little chip, don’t worry!” And we’ll do it, because…imagine Madden, projected on your eyeballs from inside your head! The sound, directly in your eardrums!

We won’t be able to resist.

Butch:

There’s a Morrigan joke in here somewhere. There is.

X1 ends with Gears of War 4, so what. And the dude ends a presser that started with “We now have backwards compatibility” with “there’s never been a better time to move on from your 360” without any trace of irony.

TR2 on stage: Still Holiday 2015.

HA! It’s releasing Nov. 10 for the X1. Yeah, might have something else to buy that day. I can wait.

Gameplay out. Looks great. Looks like more of doing what we did, only more so. Right down to the grab it before you fall QTEs. It also has that big Samoan motherfucker in it, too. Liked that dude.

Feminina:

GET X1 NOW!!!!!

Must play all the things on all the platforms all at once! Must have more arms surgically attached to shoulders.

Failing that, yeah, we can wait. I mean, TR it was good, I totally want to play TR2, but we can wait.

The most important question is, how does the hair look?

Butch:

Oh the hair is faboo. I even think they did something to that Samoan dude’s beard. I mean, he has a ways to go to get to Geralt level, but baby steps, man. Baby steps.

All told, it was a strange marketing mish mash with a lot of contradictions. The first big game they showed? FO4, cuz they wanted to tout modding. (This comes out on Nov.10). Next to last big game they showed? TR2, which comes out…..Nov. 10.

People. C’mon.

Feminina:

As long as the hair is amazing, I’m in. If they incorporate dynamic beard growth for Jonah Maiava? Icing on the hair cake.

OMG, that suddenly sounds disgusting.

Butch:

Christ it DIDN’T until you pointed it out.

There’s no fucking way you remembered that dude’s name without googling it. No way. I see through your shit, Femmy.

Feminina:

Of course I Googled, it, man! I never claimed not to Google it. I mean, yeah, I could have specifically mentioned that I Googled it, but that would have taken away momentum from the hair cake line.

I live on the internet. Naturally I Google.

Butch:

Promise never, ever, EVER to say hair cake again.

EVER.

Feminina:

I promise nothing! You can’t quash my free speech! Censorship, censorship!!!!!

Butch:

Yes I can. Hush.

I don’t want ME4 tainted by that.

3:30. I’ll snarkily live blog sorta.

Feminina:

Doooooo iiiiiiiit…

Butch:

ME4 is called Mass Effect Andromeda. Featured person in n7 armor. Out holiday 2016.

Tag line was “discover a new galaxy.”

Feminina:

Cooooooool. At least it’s not this November! We can wait.

Butch:

And now a game in which fast cars go fast.

Feminina:

Ooh, do the fast cars sometimes crash? Intriguing!

Butch:

They turn, too.

Now they’re begging us to try that Star Wars mmo no one played.

Feminina:

Unmoved by Star Wars pleading.

Butch:

Yup. I do not do MMO.

Two new IPs next.

Feminina:

Bring it…

Butch:

Very un-EA indie puzzler called Unraveled. Looks gorgeous. Fourteen person dev house in Sweden.

Feminina:

Want to be in house in Sweden.

Butch:

Wow. That has my attention. And about the last thing on earth you’d expect to get ten minutes of EA’s stage time.

Feminina:

Well, good for them for doing something different.

Butch:

The poor little Swedish dude looked so nervous I wanted to hug him.

Plants v zombies now. I feel very bad for that person who just had to dance in that zombie suit. To danger zone no less.

Feminina:

Aww…it’s OK, Swedish dude! You’re fine!

Butch:

Plants thing is taking so long I had time to change Baby McP and it’s still going.

Feminina:

Phone games are big. Apparently.

Wait, that was a phone game, right? I don’t even know.

Butch:

Nope. Full AAA thing that.

Oops. Hockey now. Then I imagine football. This is EA after all.

Dude I’m getting this NBA game just so I can scan my face in with this tech.

Ok, can go get trailer while they prattle on about how I can look in the NBA game:

http://kotaku.com/electronic-arts-showed-the-new-mass-effect-off-it-s-ca-1711474765

Ta da.

Woman just came out and said “Let’s talk about mobile.”

Wake me up when it’s over.

Feminina:

Yawn. You lost me at ‘sports.’

ME though, that part is interesting.

Butch:

Dude we went from sports to a mobile game with those yellow minion things. For real.

Unravel looked good.

Back to sports. They’ve trotted out Pele who once played sports. Soccer in fact.

Feminina:

Minions! Love it. Won’t play it, but love the juxtaposition with sports.

Butch:

Still on sports. They DID mocap a ton of women’s soccer, though! With actual women!

Take THAT ubisoft.

Wow. Seventy minutes in and we are just getting to Madden.

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