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Some minor spoilers for Syria location in Uncharted 3


OK, we gotta talk. It’s important. You’re an old friend. You understand my personality, and my gaming habits. Which means I’m going to need you here, Femmy. I’m going to need you to keep me from losing my home, my family and my sanity to Gwent.

I mean….why’d they have to go do this?

I mean, look at some of this stuff:

Roach’s Gwent Card Is Perfect

Even you have to love that.

But seriously.

Played 3 whole percent last night. Went to the top of the tower, fought dudes on a spiral staircase (which is either really hard or I was sick, cuz I thought it was hard), won a trophy for fighting a big brute guy without taking damage (they aren’t hard), did the thing with the scope, wondered “Hey, if the big portal thing is right there under those lights, how come no one’s found it already?”, decided you’d get mad if I pulled at the strings, shot some dudes who had rocket launchers, ran ran ran, fell with Cutter, told him not to go and he took off and now that’s where I am.

Good action sequence, all of that. Nice balance of run and fight and jump. And the rocket launchers were well done. I mean, the timing sort of made it so you had to have the rocket coming at you in the scope. Shoot OHMYGODHEREITCOMES DUCK I’m ok. Nice tension.

A good three percent.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d rather have played gwent….


I knew you’d be hooked on Gwent within hours. It’s like throwing catnip at a pile of impressionable young kittens.

Stay strong! Think of Drake! He needs you!

That is a good 3%. And yeah, the rocket launchers were tense. I died a goodly number of times dealing with those dudes.

Again, I felt this was a pretty good level…I liked that old castle. Which we immediately proceed to wreck, but hey…


Hours? You gave me hours? I fear minutes. If that. 

Must…resist…..It has a “beefy single player campaign.”


You had trouble with the rocket launchers? I only died once, and that was because I went to take cover, missed, wound up dropping down to hang from the building, which, really, is the opposite of taking cover, and died. I died FAR more fighting up that spiral staircase. One dude just kept coming out of nowhere with a shotgun. He got me lots.

Very good level. And….trust me…..loved what they did with the sound. If you played with headphones, you noticed they put just a teeeeeeeeny bit of echo on everything, which made it sound “big.” Gave form to the space. Everyone sounded like they were in a big, old, stone place. Nice touch.

That was also paired with something good in the spiral staircase: No music. This game has a lot of music, and it’s good music. Very lively. The creepy music is nice and creepy. And it ties into the old Spielberg/Lucas Indiana Jones movie trope of always having music (Ever notice there is never a minute without music in star wars films? Well, now you will). So in that bit, when all you hear is echoing footsteps and NOTHING ELSE, the NOTHING ELSE really stands out and makes the level that much more tense.

So yeah, good level.

Cutter’s either gonna die or betray me. I know it.


Oh mercy, not a beefy single-player campaign. I’ll never hear from you again.

OK, let me play the trump card: does it have CHLOE? Because Chloe needs you. Stay strong.

I didn’t have that much trouble with the staircase, but the timing on the rocket launchers threw me. We all have our strengths. Apparently one of mine is staircases.

But one of yours is that kind of in-depth commentary on sound details I never hear. You make the sound people happy.


What? Huh? Sorry, I was just putting my deck together. Got a couple of spies, little light on heroes but….


Wait….haze….clearing…. what….what are these cards? Wha…..

You’re right. You have set me straight. Thank you, Femmy. Thank you.

We do have our strengths, we do. One of my weaknesses, in this game and every other, is enemies from all sides. I’m good if they’re all in one direction, or even front and side, but when some are in front and some behind? Instadeath. I get all turned around, I get confused, can’t do it. In staircases, real and metaphorical, I have to find a wall, put my back against it, and hope. And this level….man….they were everywhere, everything looked the same, kept getting disoriented, surrounded and killed.



I also freak out when enemies come from all sides (damn it, where the hell did YOU come from?!), but somehow just sprinting around like mad, stumbling into people and hiding behind objects for 30 seconds at a time, usually works out for me in the end. I was just running around and around that staircase room.

The baby just slept for two hours straight, so I could totally have played if I hadn’t also fallen asleep. Oh well.


Usually that does work, except for the dudes with the grossly overpowered shotguns. They tag you once and you’re done.

Remember way back in 1 when you only had one kid and I was healthy we were mentioning that shotguns seemed abnormally wimpy? I guess people complained cuz DAMN they’re back in this one, aren’t they?

I, too, fell asleep. Though, for the first time in weeks, I feel slightly less shitty today than I have been. Progress.


Yay! Progress! Slightly less terrible!

I seem to recall shotguns were pretty nasty AGAINST you even in 1, they were just hard to make awesome when you used them. Unless you were 2 feet away from someone, which we generally did not want to be. I wonder if we’ve just gotten more accustomed to close combat as the series has progressed?


Indeed. This has been a bad run in health. Don’t forget about the chemical weapon attack I unleashed upon myself. The fuck has been with this month?

That SAS thing was good in 2, but they were pretty nerfy in 1. They’ve been getting progressively stronger. So much so that the first time one killed me in 3, I was stunned. I kept dying, and when I finally didn’t die I was all “Now I will take your super gun let’s see what it is wait a SHOTGUN? The fuck?”


Ah…I guess shotgun technology has been undergoing rapid improvements in the Drake-verse. “We need a more powerful gun so we can mess with this guy. Like, imagine something you’d use to stop a charging rhino, because he’s stupidly resilient. I mean, he’s the PC.”

Understandable, really.

June was a hell of a month.


I’ll say.

He’s killed 23,982 dudes over the last 20 hours, not counting the time he’s spent futilely looking for treasures! We need more! MORE!

(And when Bob points out “Uh, won’t he just take the thing off of victim number 23,983?” no one notices poor Bob)

I’d do the same. That and I probably wouldn’t join up with the bad guy.

That it has been a hell of a month. But next month will be good and chill. Kids’ll be back in school and…..wait….



No, no, man, next month is going to be great. Full stop. Don’t worry about the details, like when school starts.

Nobody ever listens to Bob. If Bob is smart he quietly quits the bad guys and goes to work bagging groceries or something. The pay’s not good, but the chances of being shot down by Drake with a gun he took off your colleague’s still-warm body is much lower.


The pay for being a henchagent must be really good. Which makes sense in this one, what with the centuries old royal order and all. But the last two games? I mean, come on! These dudes don’t HAVE the treasure yet and they never GET the treasure. So maybe it’s all IOUs, you know? “I’ll pay you handsomely when I get the thing.” I can see the four guys who survived from Navarro’s gang, standing on the shore, watching the idol sinking saying “Really? All that and all I get is this wimpy shotgun? Ah, well. Back to playing cocktail piano.”


“Hey, I hear this centuries-old royal order is hiring.”

I can see the recruitment brochure from the temp agency now.

Can you shoot a gun? Are you willing to follow orders without question even if it means trying to kill a guy 2,000 of your fellow henchagents died trying to kill? Do you have features indistinguishable from those of any other random dude? If fatally shot, will you die bloodlessly and without any annoying mess?

If so, consider a career with Henchagents International. You’ll travel to exotic locations and die there! And if anyone finds a big treasure and you survive, you’ll totally get paid! Once in a while you might get to kick back with a beer or something to give the hero a chance to sneak up on you!

Call now!


“I don’t know man, it mentions dying twice, that might be a red flag….Ooo! Hey! They got dental! Hand me the phone.”


“Does it say anything about getting to explore/destroy priceless archaeological sites and see ancient cursed artifacts? Because I’ve always been into that kind of stuff.”


Yeah, but watch. With our luck we’ll probably just get to visit a Syrian tourist trap after hours.


But we might get to shoot down the walls with rocket launchers! That’s always good for a laugh.

I’m signing up.