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Sidelong spoiler for Everybody’s Gone to the Rapture, spoilers for features of The Witness


Just had a heart attack. Got Nugget a kid’s clock. So, a feature is you hit a button and it reads the time. Fine. Fun. Educational.

He hits it. I was in the living room, and, Femmy, I SWEAR it’s the same voice as the numbers in Rapture. I’m just chilling, and, from the other room, “One…..oh……one…” and I think I hit the ceiling.

Same. Voice.

The pattern is here.


Just called in an airstrike on your house.

Sorry, dude, it’s been nice knowing you, but we can’t allow this to spread!


No one would blame you.

And, as the kids do not have school, I welcome it.


To distract you in your final moments…I did a little tramping about in the Witness. Got to the yellow box in that tiny sort of chapel place in the forest, but was baffled by the shadow puzzle and wandered off. Opened the door under the windmill and got through that back door out into the town. Opened that boxcar-crate sort of thing. Yay, excitement.

Went up to the top of the mountain and saw the snow I’d been missing…interesting, all those figures up there with their laptops and stuff. It looked a bit like an archeological site, as if they were in the midst of excavating/activating those arches and then…something. It turned them all to stone? Maybe?

Oh, and I saw the chips in the giant stone woman’s arm, revealing some rebar substructure, so she at least is not an actual person who was turned to stone, although the life-size human figures still could be.

Noticed that I am possibly a vampire, since no matter where I stand, I can never seem to see my own reflection, even though reflections are really big on this island. (Some very interesting visuals around reflections…like those roots on the side of the cliff that look like fish when you see them in the water, as well as the many strikingly clear reversed images of structures, trees, etc.) I do have a shadow, obviously, but shadows and reflections could be different magic.

Maybe I’m a starving vampire, trying desperately to reverse the thing that turned everyone to stone because I really want to eat them.

One could argue this explanation doesn’t make sense because I’m out roaming around in the sun all the time, but I say…am I? Or is this a brightly lit simulation with no real sunlight? Inquiring minds want to know.


AH! The final puzzle in shady trees. That was a tough one.

You opened the door under the windmill? In the room with the movies? I haven’t done that! And I may never, as I am at the endgame, or what I think is the endgame. What’s there?

Yeah, that is where I now stand, on the snowy mountaintop. Interesting take. I’ve….done enough…that I can sort of see into the mountain….so I’ll just hmmm.

Though, again, not the happiest looking people. The two in the middle there, one looks like he is trying to hold the other, the one with the box, back, in a hostile way.

Certainly, we see a great deal of “tech” in these people. They’re modern. They have laptops. And yet, they all look confused. Lost.

Huh. I never noticed that about the reflection.


Have you noticed….anything else? In the landscape?

I’m ok. I’m ok. Breathe.

You’re getting punchy with the vampire thing, though.


Yeah, dude, I dunno, you might just have to tell me what it is you want me to notice.

I mean…the landscape itself is kind of like a puzzle, though not a perfect square grid one. The river from above, on the mountaintop, makes the same line as on the screen there. And the black stone walls that run around town suggest lines making a path of some sort. Established paths are sometimes suggestively straight, or curved. Different regions could be like blocks of colors or what-not. Perhaps in some way the map on the boat refers not only to the type of puzzle in an area, but to the type of puzzle the area itself IS, as if you have to in the end walk over the entire island following a specific path.

But that’s all rather obvious and at the same time rather vague, since it’s not clear that that’s actually what’s going on, and not just a sort of thematic confluence, like the landscaper going for a layout evocative of puzzles.

Otherwise, I dunno, man. I have to say nothing in particular has struck me about the landscape. Other than it being very picturesque and frozen in time and so on, as we’ve discussed.

The doors under the windmill, in the room with the video screen? They just open onto a tunnel that leads up and opens into that building in the town with the crate inside. Another instance of doors taking you back to somewhere you’ve been.


The landscape itself……..

Maybe….just maybe…..there are circles in the landscape…..circles that look a whole lot like the circles where you start your lines in the panel puzzles……

And maybe….if you tried…you could interact with them…..


Hm. Like that wall at the edge of town where there’s a circular hole and then a line knocked into the bricks? I could have sworn I tried clicking on that once, but maybe I only thought about it. Or maybe that’s not one of the instances you’re talking about.

Anyway, noted! I will investigate this feature of the landscape.


There are many such instances……MANY.

That particular one….I can’t get that one to work….

Look other places. Like, EVERYWHERE.


Everywhere, you say? OK, I’ll look. I probably tried that particular one and it didn’t work and then I subconsciously decided that wasn’t a functional mechanic, and willfully didn’t notice any other possibilities.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.


Look at lots of things from many angles.

The ONE game you sprint….

Watch, you’ll die 27 times a day at the hands of robot dinosaurs because all you’ll do is saunter.


I take exception to that! You wound me.

This is NOT the one game where I sprint. I ALWAYS sprint. My complaint about Grim Fandango was that I COULDN’T sprint. (I will forever maintain that sprinting in that game was totally impossible. Unless you looked at the options like some kind of nerd.)

I spent half of the Witcher 3 just running through the wilderness because I couldn’t be bothered to get on my horse.

This is the one game where I SHOULDN’T sprint, maybe. But sprinting itself is totally in character, and I will never give it up. When the robot dinosaurs get me, it’ll be because I ran headfirst into their ambush, not because I was sauntering.


Ah, right, right. I have forgotten your sprinting tendencies. It’s been too damn long since we played a AAA game.

Some kind of nerd. Glass houses, Femmy.

And you know, while you couldn’t be bothered to ride poor Roach, who was awesome, you won’t pass up a chance to ride a robot dinosaur.

You certainly didn’t with Garrus. BOOM!


Dude. That’s harsh. Garrus wasn’t a robot.


I know I know I know but I couldn’t resist.


It’s also true that I would still have romanced him if he had been.

Man, I hope there’s romance in Horizon. All this deep, thoughtful wandering around by myself has got me in the mood for love.


Indeed. There damn well should be, what with all those dialog choices. And c’mon, after the end of the world what else is there to do? Hunt robot dinosaurs for food…..wait…..

Hey yeah! WHY are we hunting robot dinosaurs?

Hopefully, this shall be explained.

There’ll be romance in MEA. For certain.


I assumed we were hunting robot dinosaurs because they were hunting us: some sort of “kill or be killed” thing…although why they’re hunting us, when they presumably can’t eat us any more than we eat them…perhaps we’d better not ask too many questions.

All shall be explained! Maybe.


One hopes.

I have this dark feeling like the way this game got developed was dudes were all

“Hey! I have an idea….wait for it….ROBOT DINOSAURS!”

“Oooo! Like….future cavemen and shit?”


“Dude….that is SO AWESOME.”


“So like, what will the cavemen be doing with the robot dinosaurs?”

“Fuck if I know! All I know is ROBOT DINOSAURS!”

“Hey, yeah! Good enough.”

But it IS supposed to be good. Positive thinking!


I can definitely see that meeting.

And every time someone suggests maybe a plot or something, or says “so how are we going to resolve this storyline?” someone else says “ROBOT DINOSAURS” and everyone cheers and high fives.

Because…I mean, really, what more do you need?


I am slightly concerned about that, I won’t lie.

I’ll still play it, but I am slightly concerned.


Oh, we’ll play it. We were going to play it even before the good reviews. We can’t resist robot dinosaurs. And redheaded future cavewomen.

But yeah, there exists a distinct possibility that it will turn out to be a bit slight in the story department, reviews or no.


There is always such a risk.

But the general feel I get from articles about hands on previews and such is that we need not worry. But then, I have gone into my little “no spoiler” bubble of late. Except for important cosplay updates and such. Ditto for ME.

Anyway, if it is slight in story, better bloggage for us.


It’s true, we can get almost as much mileage out of complaining about slight stories as we can out of digging into the details of complicated ones.

Plus, if things ever start to lag we can just type ROBOT DINOSAURS! and all will be well.


Can we do that with other games, too? Seems a handy thing to be able to do.


Yes! Why not?

Surely ROBOT DINOSAURS is awesome enough that it need not have any actual connection to the game at hand in order to work its magic.

“So you still haven’t noticed the interactive circles in the landscape?”

“ROBOT DINOSAURS distracted me.”

“Say no more!”


If we made a T SHIRT with ROBOT DINOSAURS we’d probably get sued. Too bad, really. It’s a good T SHIRT!

We should do a T SHIRT that just says “T SHIRT!!!!”

That would be great.

Dear God, the kids being home has sucked my sanity.


That would be great!

Back when people used to love kanji on everything (do they still?) I used to think it would be good to get a tee shirt that just said “tee shirt” in kanji. Because, you know, it would look really cool!–but be kind of a secret dumb joke.

I’m also getting a little weird in the head. Not from snow days, which I don’t have, but lack of sunlight or something. I’m hungry and feeling slightly hypoglycemic all the time, even though I’m eating the same as usual.

I assumed this meant I needed more ice cream, but that doesn’t seem to have solved the problem. I should probably try larger quantities.

Don’t tell ME I can’t eat half a gallon at a sitting.


Winter, man. It sucks.

You’re not with child, are you? I hear people feel that way.

Resist wanting trophies.

That and I hope you aren’t sick.

You probably just want ice cream.


Oh good lord no. Bite your tongue, man. (Or your typing fingers, I suppose. Doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.)

It’s probably just about the ice cream.


Just too easy to bother you with that. 

Probably is ice cream.

Now I want ice cream. One of the many things I miss since Mrs. McP started eating all healthy.

“Bite your typing fingers” doesn’t sound….right…..


Didn’t you say you had an ice cream maker? Just whip yourself up a batch and polish it off while she’s at work. She’ll never know.

Of course, that’s a dangerous habit to get into.

“Why does our budget say we’re spending $85 a week on heavy cream?”

“It’s…uh…a brand of floor polish. Haven’t you noticed how good the floors look? Also, ROBOT DINOSAURS.”