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Puncherson_64LadyBrain_64

Some spoilers for Mass Effect: Andomeda and the dream of inexpensive child care

Butch:

Ok, fought dudes, followed conduits, went through another gravity well. PB is running off over a bridge.

I like PB a lot. I do not TRUST PB at all.

Anyway, I noticed that games have taught me a lot: hand eye coordination, how to survive a zombie plague, not to bang two sorceresses at once (unless they’re in different franchises), you know, life skills.

But I never thought it would taught me how to make sure that human civilization stands the test of time. It’s easy! We don’t have to do anything! We just have to NOT do something!

Specifically, we should never, ever, EVER build impossibly large underground structures with walls made of some weird metallic black stuff. We should never decorate them with weird glowing lines like something out of Tron. We should never build these, then put nothing in them except flowing goo, pyramids and the occasional container.

Because every singly solitary time a civilization has done this (and it sure seems to happen a lot), they disappear.

It’s all so clear to me now.

Feminina:

Yes! Put that down as yet another EXTREMELY useful thing video games can teach us! Don’t overcomplicate things, civilization.

We’re doomed.

But at least we haven’t built a bunch of vast, inscrutable towers filled with containers…or, well…at least the goo’s not there yet. As long as we can avoid the goo, we’re good.

Peebee is a little wacky. Did you take either of the QTEs (or, what would have been renegade/paragon actions in the last game) related to her? I didn’t. I intentionally left the first one, figuring I’d just see how it played out, and the second one I had just decided “yeah, I’ll jump first!” when it expired. Failure of quicktime decision making!

Butch:

[This message was eaten by Outlook and cannot be retrieved, but the gist was, Elon Musk is working on mysterious goo, why push a hot potential companion off you, and yes he jumped first.]

Feminina:

Oh yeah, Elon Musk has a vast underground complex full of lights and goo right now. Have fun with that, future explorers! Also with Peter Thiel’s repurposed offshore oil platforms riddled with clever traps and libertarian slogans. I already played BioShock, but someone will have a good time with it.

Right? Why fling some cute person away before I know what they want? I mean, it would have sucked if she’d sprouted fangs and gone for my jugular, but this isn’t a vampire game, so I felt pretty good about the odds. Plus, I’m trying to make friends here.

I assume you did the whole “don’t shoot at the aliens, try to be friends first” thing when you met the kett for the first time? Of course you did. I did, so obviously you did.

But it’s all part of my “we’re here to be nice” philosophy. Or at least “we’re here to be nice until someone starts shooting at us.”

Butch:

Thiel is also, I hear, into the idea of injecting himself with the blood of younger people to make himself younger. I kid you not. So that’s a pretty good game thing, there, too. The vampire angle….

Maybe we are fucked.

We’re fucked.

Of course I tried being nice! We are here to make friends! And more than friends! It’s Bioware!

Though last night, I got…what…scolded by either Ryder or Vetra because I came upon a bunch of remnant bots that were still blue and not attacking yet. So I just said “fuck it” and fired away, and someone was all, slightly sarcastically, “Well, better to be safe than sorry.” Like, dude. This wasn’t first contact. These things have been trying to kill me the whole damn playing session. I KNOW they were going to shoot at me.

After all, there were ammo crates around.

Feminina:

Ha! They (or yourself) scolded you? That’s awesome. And unusual, since companions tend to be, if anything, MORE trigger-happy than I am (remember all those times in DAI when you’d be proceeding through some remote wilderness and your companions would get all “Red alert! Attack!” and run off to chase a lizard or something? While you sighed and kept going, because you had places to be and they’d come back eventually? Good times.)

To be fair, there have been a couple of occasions where I went up to a remnant area and just quickly looted the containers and ran off and the machines stayed blue and didn’t attack me. So it is possible. But yeah, more often they promptly turn red and start shooting. Especially if there are ammo crates around.

Butch:

I remember that in DAI! At least they didn’t do it mid flirt.

Dude, this time was the time where there were actual turrets guarding a gravity well. They were NOT going to let me just stroll up to the gravity well and do my thing. This seemed excessively obvious. But no…no… should’ve just checked on the .000001% chance they were just hanging out by the gravity well.

Maybe they were. Now I feel bad.

Feminina:

Don’t feel bad. Turrets and a gravity well is not one of those rare occasions where the machines are going to chill. They would have shot at you, and you know it. Don’t let your nitpicking companions make you second guess yourself!

Butch:

Ever since the rather friendly turrets in portal, I second guess myself.

Though really…EVERYTHING in this game has shot at me so far. Basically, there’s two categories of things: Things that try to kill me, and things I could potentially screw. There’s no middle ground.

“Oh HEY! You didn’t try to kill me! Wanna go to dinner? See a movie?”

Feminina:

There are worse ways to subdivide the world. Probably. I mean, at least this one includes opportunities for flirting.

Butch:

That’s why we love bioware. Good narrative, clear categories of threat vs. romance.

Kinda like high school. With a better narrative.

Feminina:

Skip high school: play BioWare games!

A wildly successful yet controversial ad campaign to be announced soon. Please send us a check for the royalties.

Butch:

You learn the same lessons, really.

Feminina:

It’s mainly controversial with parents who were hoping the kids would be at class or doing homework or something so the parents would have time to play. At least, that’s my main concern.

Butch:

Mine, too, dude.

Can’t wait for that full day kindergarten.

Feminina:

So much shooting and flirting! Next year?

Butch:

One last year of really expensive preschool.

Without diapers and preschool, I’m gonna feel rich! Rich, I say!

Feminina:

Preschool is so nightmarishly expensive! We’re going to have to spend about $20 a day on the before- and after-school programs for O’Jr. and we’ll still be saving so much we’ll be rich. I may have to take up gambling.

Butch:

Add that to the fact that now that Mrs. McP has graduated I’ll have time to mow my own lawn and shovel my own driveway.

Think of the booze I’ll be able to buy!

Feminina:

Oh, happy day! Finally, your years of struggle and toil are paying off.

Butch:

Gotta get a bigger bucket!

Feminina:

It’s gonna be great. Live the dream!

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