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No spoilers


Ok, so, as we’re not playing, better start with our TERRIBLE FITNESS BLOGGAGE!

So today I did something new. Yes, yes I did. The new me, here, did something the old me would never, ever do: I got up early to exercise.

There is ample evidence that obesity is a big problem in this country. You, as a medical librarian, could produce thousands of pages of research to support this. We are a bigassed country full of bigassed people. It’s a terrible public health problem, and yet…it gives me hope. Real, true hope.

Because, Femmy, here we are, living in these times where it seems the world has gone totally insane. From our politics, to our economy, to the public somehow keeping the Kardashians famous, you could also produce thousands of pages of research that these times are batshit times, indeed. But see, Femmy, this country is fatter than every other country on earth. And that’s wonderful, Femmy. Deeply wonderful. Because that means, Femmy, under all the madness, we are proving that we ARE sane, that there is an ember of sanity there can can be fanned into a mighty fire.

How do I know this? Because the whopping majority of Americans, sedentary, overweight, wonderful Americans, are sane enough NOT to do something so FUCKING HORRIBLE as getting up early to exercise.

God. Bless. America.


Noooooooo!!!!! Not getting up early to exercise!!!!!

But I guess the bright side of your situation is, you’re not going to a professional trainer at the gym? Maybe?

Tell you what, in solidarity, I won’t eat candy today.


Oh dude, I draw the damn line at gyms and trainers. Fuck that noise. Sounds too animal, you know? I don’t need to be trained, dammit. I’m housebroken.

Plus, I kinda have issues with people telling me what to do. It would take me ten seconds to just yell at the guy and leave, which would undermine the whole point.

My dad uses one of those trainers. Said trainer used to be an MMA fighter, and now, apparently, is a professional torturer. I’m not sure the shit he makes my dad do is legal.

So, again, fuck that noise.

More bad fitness blogging: Who needs trainers?


So far I’ve got the following Timeless Fitness Tips:

  1. Don’t exercise
  2. If you do exercise, certainly don’t let a professional guide you
  3. If you must exercise, distract your children with videos while you do it
  4. Definitely don’t exercise early
  5. Probably don’t exercise late either


Don’t forget: 6. Use your calorie app to calculate exactly how much booze you can drink.

It’s handy! I find myself being all “Well, shit. I’m kinda drunk, and I thought I was done, but I still have 242 calories left to stay under my goal! Why waste them? Bottoms up!”

I can’t decide if we’re the worst fitness blog on the net or the best.


Oooh, ooh, right! That’s the most important tip yet, really.

Helpful things to do with your calorie counter app! This also shows us to be modern and technologically up-to-date.

Or maybe what we need to do is divide the tips into different categories, like “The Best Time to Work Out” and “Fitness For the Whole Family!” and “Taking Advantage of Technology to Meet Your Fitness Goals.” People love lists.

Under the family category we can also have “crush your spouse via Fitbit.”


Oooo! Good one! Spouse crushing!

Way to go on not caring about that one, since Mr. O’ works out more.


Well, part of the glory of the fitness blog will be that we don’t necessarily even follow our own bad advice.

“Here are a bunch of suggestions that might work for you even though they’re of such dubious value we haven’t bothered to try them ourselves” could be our overly long but honest motto.


Wait, I’ve tried them! Sorta! Certainly the booze one.


Maybe we’ll have to differentiate between the ones we’ve (you’ve) tried and the ones that just sounded reasonable.

Or not so much reasonable, as amusing.

Tried and True vs We’re Looking for Someone Else to Field Test This.


It’s true. I can only field test so much.

Or want to field test so much.

I will say, exercise does lead to more booze.


OK, that’s our headline finding right there. “Ways to Stay Motivated: think about all the additional booze you can drink!”


That’s really the only thing keeping me going.

“Long term cardiovasular health? Tl:dr. More booze? Hey, I got another mile in me.”


Tip: find what motivates YOU!

For instance, I walked half a mile out of my way this morning to catch a Pokemon. Truth.

Booze. Pokemon. Whatever gets you moving.


A fucking MILE?

That’s some Pokémon right there.

Phew. Games. I was getting worried about us.

Though that “find what motivates YOU” is getting dangerously close to a non tongue in cheek fitness blog.

We’re not really fit. Took the kids to a trampoline park cuz I had passes, and I’m too sore to join them.

So that’s a thing.

I’d rather travel blog anyway. Good thing vacation is coming!

We’ll be the worst travel blog on the Internet, too!

Cuz I’ll be very drunk. It’s why I’m getting fit NOW.


It’s all about planning ahead.

Walk First, Drink Later?


What can I say? I take the long view.

Though we really must get back to playing soon.


Yes. Yes we must.

This is amusing and no doubt very inspirational to the millions who turn to us for fitness advice (and probably end up hospitalized as a result), but it won’t be able to preserve sanity in the long run.

I’ll load up Mafia III. Just gotta clear some space.


Well, I will have to switch to travel blogging soon.

Yes, blogging from the white sand beaches of Turks and Caicos. It’ll be a sacrifice. Yes, yes it will.


I’d be more jealous if I enjoyed sand. Or water. Or sun. The booze sounds nice!–but I can have booze here.

So way to pick a travel destination that won’t make me sad with envy! You’re a true friend.


I am. That I am. I go to lovely places because I care, man. I care.

Though I gotta say, the “I Want to Thank You (for Pooping Out Sandy Beaches)” song from Splash and Bubbles kinda took some of the magic away….


Uh…yeah…I can see how that would…do that…

I’ll be over here in my air-conditioned office.


What parrot fish eat they also excrete in a curtain of limestone sand….they eat some coral then they poop it out and it washes up on land…..


Hey, good for them! I can honestly say that this does not affect the esteem in which I hold sandy beaches.

It’s honestly no more disgusting than pearls, and pearls are also pretty.

And you know what it’s somewhat LESS disgusting than?

Sheep’s testicle pie!

Enjoy the beach, man.


Yes, but do you sit in pearls?

This got weird. Really weird.

I miss games.