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Very minor story spoilers for Mafia 3


I love games for so very many reasons. One such reason is that I can get up in the morning, pour myself a cup of coffee, open up the laptop to blog and type the following sentence:

All I did last night was kill a couple of pimps and find a Playboy.

And that sentence is true!

God games are great.

But here’s something about games, and this game in particular, that is not great: Car combat. Or, I should say, I THINK car combat is not great. Here’s why.

So I was doing the last two pimps that would bring Merle into the open. Ok, fine. So pimp one was all good. Nice sneaky mission. Pimp two, I’m chugging along, listening to the radio, towards the quest marker, all is well and then all of a sudden I see a car that has a KILL thing above it. I think “huh?” and a tutorial pops up that is all “Car combat” and I think “Oooooooh shit,” and it says, what, hold L1 to target and R1 to shoot? Or something?

So I hold L1 and nothing much happens, and I try to turn and hold L1 and nothing much happens, and the car starts going the other way, and I’m holding L1 and trying to drive and eventually I’m in an alley and I have no idea where the fuck the car is. So I drove around looking for it for a while. I had this image of Mrs. McP next to me all “Don’t you think we should just ask for directions? Seriously. Stop at this gas station and say ‘Excuse me, I’m trying to find a pimp to kill and I’m a little lost…..'”

So I figured I’d just head towards the quest marker again, and I did, and I got to the quest marker, and I guess the dude had stopped driving cuz he was just in a hotel room chilling, so I sneaked on in and killed him. Now I have to go find Merle.

But car combat? No idea. The fuck’s with that? I didn’t even do it enough to form an opinion. But I think I’m ok with that. Until I have to do it again.


I don’t have a strong opinion about car combat either, because I also haven’t done it. When I got the little instructions screen about throwing molotovs at pursuing cars I thought “that sounds like a pain,” and then I guess I just conveniently missed the guy in the “kill” car, because I only tracked him down in the building and didn’t even attempt to fight him in the car. I think I saw the “kill” car out of the corner of my eye or something, thought “wait, am I supposed to chase that?” and by the time I got turned around he was gone. And then I found him in the building, so no worries there except dying a couple of times trying to get in.

So…at least so far it’s extremely avoidable? I’ll say that nice thing about car combat.

I mean, it’s one thing in Uncharted when Chloe is driving the Jeep while Nathan shoots at people, or whatever, but trying to drive and shoot at the same time seems like a recipe for disaster.

“Listen up, kids! Basic automotive safety: always pull over if you need to text or shoot at someone.” Pretty sure I remember that from driver’s ed.


Or, at the very least, follow them at a safe distance with your hands at ten and two until the person you want to shoot parks at a seedy hotel. Then shoot them. And grab their nudie mags.

But yes: “Wait…what? Huh? Where’d he go? Ah, well….”

I was kinda glad I didn’t have to chase the car.


Keep an eye on your rearview mirror, and make sure to signal your turn into the seedy motel parking lot! Or, if you want to leave your car a discreet distance away, take the opportunity to practice your parallel parking, being sure both front and rear tires are within 18 inches of the curb.

I keep feeling like I should signal my turns, but there’s no option to do so. I WANT to be a conscientious driver! At least when I’m not running red lights and colliding with pedestrians.

I like to imagine all those pedestrians were just a little bruised. Either that or traffic fatalities in New Bordeaux are so rampant, my reign of automotive terror doesn’t even register. I mean, people call the cops when I steal a car, but when I run over some lady? (Purely by accident! I don’t hit people on purpose, except one time I tried to run over a guy who was shooting at me. I missed him, so I don’t know if this is an effective form of car combat or not.)


That would be kinda funny, that could kill innocent people but Kevin was immune.

Kevin does deserve something, after all. What with his themes.

Or, do what I did once! Hit square just a BIT before the car is actually stopped, then stand and watch it roll and roll and roll and roll until it bopped just ONE bad guy, who alerted the rest of them.

Then reload.


He deserves to get eaten by an alligator so I don’t have to, that’s what he deserves. The theme is, sometimes you have to sacrifice others to save yourself.

“Remember: secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others, and be sure to throw a corpse to the alligators so they’ll leave you alone later.”

Now watch, even though this whole thing was a joke, I will subconsciously be convinced that I’m immune to alligator attacks, and I’ll totally get eaten next time I go swimming.

Pride goeth before a fall, or an alligator chomping.


Reptiles can smell hubris a mile away.

It’s why, when I’m exploring the swamps, I always stay humble, and bring a few dead Kevins.


You know what this game needs? The option to throw a body into the trunk of your stolen car, so that you can always have a dead Kevin handy if you need to go for a swim.

Apparently there is also a sketch comedy trio called Dead Kevin (http://ahmedbharoocha.com/dead-kevin/), but I am not familiar with their work so I have no opinion on whether or not you should be able to throw them to the alligators.


Dude I tried that! There was a car with an open trunk in a parking lot RIGHT by the brothel! I thought that’s what it was for! And I tried, like, three times!

Didn’t look suspicious at all.


“Hey Ethel, why do you suppose that guy is repeatedly shoving that other, very limp guy in the direction of that open car trunk?”

“Never mind, Rupert, just keep walking.”

“But do you think we should call the police?”

“Nah, it’s not as if he’s stealing a car or anything. Best we keep out of it.”


“Yeah, it’s nothing. But if he knocks over a mail box, fuck that noise.”

I thought I was being so clever! Open trunk! Hide the body!

But nope.

Good ideas wasted.


You’re being too clever again. Remember, that brought you nothing but misery in Divinity.

Well, maybe not misery. Seething resentment, more.


Oooo….you HAD to bring that up.


This after I took my family out for ice cream last night….




You didn’t have any!? Who are you? What is this Fitness Demon who has seized control of your body?

Just kidding. Nicely done! If it helps, I haven’t had any candy today, either.



Your allegiance moves me deeply.

Nothing has seized control of my body. I WANTED ice cream. I wanted ice cream very, very much. Had a demon had control, I’d’ve been one of those assholes who sees people eat ice cream and is all “Do you know what lactose does to you?”

No demon can take me down that road.

Begone, foul demon!

I really want ice cream. They even got Milky Way, which is SOOOOO good.


Ooh, that is a good ice cream. Now I want some too! But I won’t have any.

Because solidarity, and also I’m at work and there isn’t any.


Solidarity is easy when there’s no ice cream available.


We’re doing well with the NEW SENTENCES today.


It is a lot easier. I don’t claim to be exercising the kind of intense willpower you did.

At least you can take out your frustration by murdering some dudes tonight?


Oh, Kevin’s gonna die.

Kevin will pay for my willpower!

See? New sentences everywhere.


That’s a good sentence. And a true fact!



This was an odd day.

And we didn’t even mention nudity…..

Ah, crap. I was so close.


Well, you did start right off by mentioning Playboy, which is very close to mentioning nudity. I mean, unless you were mentioning it for the articles, which of course you obviously were.


Yes. Yes.



I found a Playboy last night that’s completely surrounded by cops. I gave it a pass, but that’s going to be an interesting one to go after when I get around to it.