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Very minor spoilers for Mafia 3


Nothing new. Last night was a parents-come-to-school night. Got to hear the speeches that I’ve now heard seven times instead of killing Kevin. Grumble.

Later. I will play later.

Expect a blog entry that reads “Well, played for 45 minutes, so I just got to the bayou……”

Though I am trying to look at the silver lining. I kinda love what Lincoln says when he calls the arms dealer in the bayou. Have you done that?


Yeah, 45 minutes to the bayou sounds about right…you’d better do something, though, because I didn’t play either. No back to school nights (there’s a ‘fall fair’ tonight, though), I was just tired.

But no, I’ve never called the arms dealer in the bayou–let’s talk about what he says!

It’s something.

I hardly ever call the arms dealer at all…should probably use him more often. I mostly only call the consigliere lady.


Wait…how do you NOT call the arms dealer? I’m constantly running out of vests and voo doo dolls and molotovs. It’s, like, automatic before a fight. “You, take my money, you, sell me things that go boom and vests.”

When you call him, Lincoln usually says something businesslike like “I need a supply run out in Barclay” or something. In the Bayou he just, in a rather exasperated voice, says “I’m running low on all kinds of shit in the bayou.”

I feel ya, Lincoln. I feel ya.


Ha! That’s awesome. And hey, if the guy’s going to drive all the way to the bayou, might as well buy some of everything.

As for your question, I dunno, man, I just use the guns I pick up. If I run out of ammo, I pick up something else. Somebody’s always dropping something with some bullets in it.

If I find a tac vest I wear it, otherwise I don’t. “Sneak harder next time!” I tell myself if I die.

Do you have it set on hard?


No, dude. Just medium. You?

But I’m pissed at the guy. Why? Cuz I call, and he’s there in, like, ten seconds. The least he could do is tell me what his damn shortcut is.

“I just use Wayz, mon. No floating signs, but SO much quicker, mon.”

Oh, dude, I’ve never bought a gun or ammo from him. But voo doo dolls and molotovs and mines? Yes. All the time. Where are you finding those?

Tac vests are pretty good. They can take a ton of damage. But they’re pricey, that they are.


Yeah, also medium.

Ah, yes, grenades and molotovs! Those can be handy. Grenades (though somehow not molotovs) come in REALLY handy when you need to destroy cars. If you haven’t destroyed a lot of cars yet, remember this tip. I wasted a LOT of ammunition shooting at them, which works, eventually, if you can figure out exactly where to aim, but finding the gas tank was never simple for me. Anyway…grenade. Throw one of those at car, stand back, done.

But I guess my lazy solution to running out is, I pick them up when I find them, which I do occasionally, and if I don’t have any, I don’t use them.

It’s true, though, all those people show up instantly when you call. You want to say “Hey, I need some stuff in the bayou, but also, I’m not actually in the bayou this second, so could you give me a ride there?”

My theory is, they’re just constantly shadowing you, so it’s not so much that they know amazing shortcuts, as that they’re outrageously good at covert surveillance.


Ah! Good tip!

But the molotovs….my go to strategy is, often, chuck the doll, wait until they congregate, molotov. Move on.

I do not GET that. If I knew I was being stalked by a killer, I would not just sit there staring at a screaming doll.

Shit, even if I WASN’T being stalked by a killer, I would not just sit there staring at a screaming doll. That shit’s creepy.


Ooh, and that’s a good tip too!

Because see, the one time I tried the doll, it was apparently on some non-superstitious guys, because they just ignored it and I thought “well, that was a bust.” Then I kind of forgot I even had them. But based on your stellar recommendation, I’ll have to try again sometime.

OK, so we haven’t played, but at least we can trade useful tips.


Well, as I just played, I offer an important caveat to the tip:

Do NOT use the whole zemi then grenade trick too close to the truck you’re trying to steal. Cuz the grenade will hit it. Ha.

But anyway, did enough damage to guns to draw out the guy (the zemi/grenade trick worked WONDERS when Kevin was gathered around both the zemi and explosives), figured “I’ll just take this truck back as I am going that way,” accidentally blew it up instead, it appeared far away, said fuck it. I can’t even do the bayou things when I am actually IN the bayou. Went back to deal with the boss, kept dying, decided I was tired, stopped.

This GAME man. It just doesn’t want me to DO anything.

But if I ever kill this guy, then I get to kill a boss and move on with plot.


Ah, the grenades and explosives combo. That’s a very dramatic combo, and great as long as you weren’t planning to drive anything that was parked right there.

The bayou is your nemesis, isn’t it?


Not the bayou’s fault. It’s cuz I planned, you see. “I’ll do that, and then take the truck back, and then I’m right by Barclay and isn’t that efficient?”

Never. Plan.

Poor Alva.


Poor Alva.

Never plan! This is why I magpie. If I’m constantly distracted by every shiny thing I see, I don’t make the mistake of formulating plans which will immediately be disrupted.


Wise. Very wise.

I bet she’s cheesed that Nikki is flirting, too. Poor Alva.


Before you know it, EVERYONE is flirting with Lincoln.


Well, who wouldn’t, really? That scar is damn fetching.



Plus, dude looks fine in a tight T shirt. He’s kept up his fitness from the army. Also, stealthily stabbing dudes in the neck and lowering them softly to the ground is probably a bit of an arm workout.


And picking them up and chucking them into gator infested waters is great for your lower body.

I know, cuz I’m fit now.


It’s true, you’ve GOT to engage your core, but lift those corpses with your legs.

Nice! We get a couple of good fitness tips in!


Well, we ARE the worst fitness blog on the internet…..


We have a reputation to uphold.


I think that these tips are rather helpful!

And dude, I’m down twelve damn pounds! And that’s without lifting dead Kevins! Imagine how jacked I’d be if I WAS feeding Kevin to gators!

I’m totally qualified to give fitness advice.

Bad fitness advice, but fitness advice all the same.


At 12 pounds down, I’m pretty sure you’re qualified to write a book. Collect the brilliant tips, throw in some recipes, it’ll make millions.

We’ll sell it in our shop, next to the pear brandy and the burlap lingerie.


Recipes? Dude, I’m not using recipes. I’m just walking around in a lot of ovals. You do that, you can eat like, fucking, anything and lose weight. Who knew?

Besides, like, the entire scientific community and every fit person out there….


Yes, but you’ve got to include recipes for some of the specific awesome things they can eat when they follow your special, personalized, revolutionary program of doing what the entire scientific community says!

Like, “walk three miles, and you can have this booze-filled dessert. What are you waiting for?”


Ooo! Booze filled dessert!

Silly me. I’ve just been adding more booze.


If you want to sell books, you need to have desserts.



But if you want to sell burlap lingerie, all you need is booze.


Conveniently available right next to the lingerie and the books in our shop!