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Minimal tomb-related spoilers for Shadow of the Tomb Raider

Butch:

I hope to play today, as my soul hurts and I need something. But now I might have to go to the dentist. That’s just cruel. Game time ripped away by dental work.

Life is unfair.

Feminina:

Ooh, bad form, life.

Butch:

This day, man.

Had to cook kid dinner early cuz I’m off to the dentist at two. So there went some game time. And it was hamburgers and used cheap beef so had to mop. There goes more game time. Now I have to go out to get some kid I’ve never met a present because Meatball has a kindergartener birthday party this weekend. There goes more game time.

I JUST WANT TO RAID A FUCKING TOMB!!!!

Feminina:

I feel your pain. Well, I feel some pain.

I’m buried in PHP trying to figure out why the library web site doesn’t work. AND I JUST WANT TO RAID SOME TOMBS!

Butch:

You know what? I AM gonna go raid some tombs.Because fuck it.

(Suggested responses:

  • “T SHIRT!!!!”
  • “Because fuck it.”
  • “You’re gonna love it. It’s gonna be great.”

You know us so well, Microsoft.)

Feminina:

Microsoft is going to be writing our posts AND doing personalized therapy-by-email in a matter of weeks.

Butch:

I wish them luck.

Of course that tomb took forever. And then, after I did it, took me forever to get out.

GET ON WITH IT GAME!

I’m still at the crash site. Can’t get away.

Feminina:

Just look at it this way: you did a tomb that took forever TODAY, so you don’t have to do it another day. Because sooner or later you’d have to do it, might as well get it out of the way.

Butch:

True, true. But it took longer than it should have. Part of that was on me. One thing I’ve noticed about this game is that the paint on the “you can scramble here” walls is REALLY hard to see. I’m used to ledges. You know what’s up with ledges. But part of that was on the game. I remember in the old games you got the reward and then there was a convenient slide nearby. I spent almost as long getting OUT of this damn tomb than I did doing it. And the out took me past the camp at the beginning. I think in the old games, you could go to the convenient base camp and save before any difficult “get out” bits.

C’mon, game. Help me out here.

At least I don’t, apparently, need dental work. Unless I want it. Cosmetically. Which I don’t. The dentist says once you get to certain age, you know, our age, things just start chipping and stuff.

So, what? All that time flossing was for naught?

Being in your forties blows.

Feminina:

It does, it does. Things just start falling apart and there’s nothing to be done.

“My foot hurts.”
“Early osteoarthritis. Put pads in your shoes, that might help. Or not.”

OK then.

And it’s true, the white steaks on the walls are a little more subtle now. But that’s because we have it on medium! If we put ‘exploration’ on easy, they’d be bright and clear. And if we put it on hard, they’d be invisible! Choices, choices.

A lot of times games do give you easy back doors once you’ve fought your way through a whole big tomb/dungeon/whatever. Leap of Faith into a pile of leaves, etc. But I feel like Tomb Raider has often made us walk all the way back, or all the way back to a midpoint base camp, just to be contrary.

Butch:

Pretty much.

“You could spend a lot of money to look like you’re not falling apart, but you’re still falling apart, so fuck it, just fall apart.”

The marks could be INVISIBLE???? Fuck that noise. I’d still be in Cozumel.

Though I’m thinking of making puzzles trickier. I don’t mind a hint when I’m stuck, but today Lara started yapping as soon as I got there. Like, shit, Lara at least let me try it first.

But yeah, man. Shit, this tomb I tried to just go back the way I came in, and it had caved in. Like, dude. I’m willing to schlepp out of there if given the chance. Why make me do it all weird and different?

I guess when you spring for a tomb, gotta get the features a crypt doesn’t have, or why spend the money?

(Note: Crypts and tombs, no matter how much they spent, are both falling apart.)

Feminina:

“Look, when your burial edifice gets to a certain age–for example, the age it is–it’s just going to start falling apart, and then random tomb raiders are going to show up and wreck it even more. Nothing we can really do.”

Butch:

“Well, we COULD do something, but it won’t last. And it will cost a lot of money.”

Feminina:

Which the tomb raiders will just take anyway, so screw it. Let it fall apart. 

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