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Puncherson_64LadyBrain_64

Spoilers for Red Dead Redemption 2 epilogue

Butch:

I want a recount!

I checked. When you completed the game, credits and all, you were at 82.3%.

Saved last night: 82.3%. Nary a credit in sight. Nary a Micah!

So as long as it dragged on for you, it’s gonna drag longer for me.

And really, all I have to blog on is my general weariness because all I did was slaughter Kevin (this was the bit with NEW GANG), did a QTE house building accompanied by yet another peppy song, slaughtered more Kevin (this was the bit with A WHOLE OTHER NEW GANG), heard Sadie say “I’ll see you again,” thought “You know, Sadie, I used to like you. I used to look forward to the bits of the game you were in. You’re still pretty cool and kinda hot so don’t take this the wrong way, but I do not want to see you again until you get your own sequel. As far as this game goes, please, PLEASE ride into the sunset.”

(This is the fucking epilogue, right? I didn’t accidentally start a new game?)

That’s all I got. I figure that’s what I’ll have tomorrow.

Feminina:

Seriously?! I want a recount too! What did I miss that increased your percent-complete that much? Hm.

Because I’m sorry, but yeah, you have a while to go.

But you built the house, that’s something! And did another bounty with Sadie, that’s something else! I think there are three bounties total, so you’re almost there!

You just need to do a little more building and slaughtering and chores and you’ll be good to go. On the mission to get Micah. Which only has, like, four parts to it.

GAAAAAAAAWDDS I can’t lie this goes on forever, I wish I had better news. But I feel like you’re…at least halfway done. Definitely halfway, maybe a little more.

Let’s talk about the house to distract us! I thought that was odd. Like, Uncle is pushing this idea, all “you can pick a house out of a catalog and then just assemble the pieces,” and then…you don’t even get to actually pick it. I had this moment’s feeling of “oh, hey, at least I can browse through a catalog and pick out an entertaining house to make this dude live in with Uncle and Charles,” and then…no. He just says “I’ll take that one” or whatever. Come ON, game!

It’s like this epilogue wants to give us all the chores of settlement building and maintenance in Fallout 4, with none of the actual decision making.

And I mean, in a way I also appreciated that it didn’t give me a bunch of choices, because then at least I know I’m not going to get sucked into spending an unnecessary 10 extra hours picking out the type of roofing material and the color of the paint on the door and so forth. But also, I kind of just wanted to glance at a couple of houses and feel like I had some input, you know?

It’s not REALLY about ranch building and maintenance, it’s just about going through the MOTIONS of ranch building and maintenance to make sure we have time to get bored with it! (I guess.)

I don’t know, game. I really, really don’t understand what you’re trying to do here, or why you thought it was a good idea.

Because you’re right! I like Sadie! I like Charles! I don’t even mind Uncle! But at this point, I don’t want to see any of them ever again because I know it’s just going to be some task that will drag this whole inexplicable thing out even more. This is not the impression I wanted to be left with. It really isn’t.

But here we are.

Baffling.

Butch:

Dude. Dude. This cannot be. It. Cannot. Be.

But it is, isn’t it?

I have a barn! That’s….good….right? A barn?

Well, at least we don’t have to drop everything to defend the ranch oh who am I kidding we’re going to have to drop everything to defend it.

Motions, indeed. I had no idea what I was doing short of button mashing.

Here’s the thing: I think it was pointless. Not just narratively pointless, but pointless button mashing.

Hear me out: First, it was to a song, right? A prerecorded song, that I don’t think was written for the game. And yet, despite mashing away and having no idea what I was doing, I completed the house right as the song ended. Now, that’s either a huge, HUGE coincidence, or I was going to finish the house then and there whether I mashed or not. Ergo, pointless mashing.

Second, I hit the checklist to see how you got a medal and one was “Have at least whatever percentage accuracy on driving nails” and I didn’t get it, which means I missed a shit ton of nails but didn’t fail the mission and ended right as the song ended. Ergo, pointless mashing.

Talk about going through the motions.

I didn’t want to end here either. I had such good impressions, too! This was a really good game! It was!

Was. Past tense.

Very, very baffling.

At least I got to see more of it than you did. Heh.

Feminina:

Ooh, you have the house AND the barn? So you met the Skinner Brothers in the woods…right. The second completely new gang.

Well, then, that’s even better! You’ve built all the things you need to build! And met the Boogeymen du Jour!

That’s at least part of the battle.

Of course, the rest of the battle will be when you have to battle the Boogeymen du Jour, which you obviously will. If it helps, this will conveniently tie into Sadie’s final bounty mission, so you can at least multitask a bit.

It’s gonna be great.

I’m with you on the pointless button mashing. That was obviously a montage cutscene that they wanted us to feel we were participating in. But it didn’t work that well. I just wanted to hurry it up.

Maybe if we’d liked the song more, it would have been a rousing scene of shared labor and the character building something real with his hands and his friends, instead of just shooting people, he’s making a permanent home instead of just setting up camp in the wilderness, and it would really represent the future he’s also trying to build with his hands, for his family, and damn, man, there’s so much MEANING AND PATHOS in there!

Except that it was just not that effective for me. I mean, I GOT all that, but in the first 30 seconds or so. I think maybe it would actually have been more meaningful as a montage cutscene, which I could have just watched and reflected on, than it was as something I had to pay attention to and try to hit nails in.

I dunno.

Butch:

Damn. Just….damn. More that makes me think this was a DLC. Boogeymen du Jour come up in DLC, the “Hey look! New baddies for a new story!” Kevins.

Not in epilogues.

Just tell me it’s only that one game and not the Mexicans.

Speaking of which, what the hell was with that dude’s voice acting? “We’re cooming for YOOOOOOO!!!!” He sounded like Cheech Marin playing Dracula.

Yeah, I know. You’re exactly right. Make it a cutscene.

I don’t LIKE being involved with cutscenes. It’s not what they’re for and it never works.

And the song sucked. Bring back D’Angelo!

Feminina:

The Skinner Brothers are SUCH a Boogeymen du Jour group. I mean, they make a gesture at having some sort of theme-related principles, like they can’t fit into polite society and this is what they turn to instead, and maybe we’re meant to think in the old days of freedom and outlaws they would have joined outlaw gangs and been partially reined in by that…? Or something?

But basically it’s just “these guys are horrible awful evil people who are your enemies!!!!!”

Go with that.

Butch:

It really was good when it was good.

This epilogue is not good.