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Minor spoilers for points in AC: Odyssey


This new gaming schedule is making blogging tricky. I have to adjust. It’s the homework, man. The homework. Yesterday, gaming time got delayed (by which I mean, by the time I had time all I wanted was scotch) by a rather dramatic difference of opinion on how to interpret the grading rubric for Junior’s science homework. This took a lengthy period of time to resolve.

I’m starting to worry this is the new normal.

This mid day gaming means we have to find a way to be erudite at the end of the day. We have trouble remembering how to spell by the end of the day.

I’m concerned.


Oh gods, homework wars. So not into it. O’Jr. had limited homework last year and hasn’t brought any back so far this year, so we may dodge that arrow (as Kassandra would say) for a bit longer. Whenever he does have it, though, it’s kind of miserable.

Maybe…we have to talk today about yesterday’s midday gaming? So if you play today, don’t mention it, but try to remember it for tomorrow?

This sounds like a recipe for trouble.

I did more stuff for Alkibiades last night. Got another nice reward, if you know what I mean and I think you do.


Oh, silly elementary homework is cake by comparison. Nugget brings home a page of simple math. Fine. You just say “No TV until you do it,” he does it, it’s done.

But middle school, you see, has graded homework. Not “Did you do the sheet or not,” but shit with rubrics. RUBRICS Femmy! And these stupid rubrics all say stuff like A=Superior detail, B=Good detail, C=Average detail. So, of course, Junior does something, is all “Looks superior to me,” and I look at it and say “Uh….is this finished?” And he’s all “What? I followed the rubric! What more do you want?” and I tell him, and he’s all “YOU’RE NOT MY TEACHER! YOU DON’T KNOW SHE WANTS THAT!”

And then I sigh, knowing that game time will just have to wait, as the next forty five minutes or so of my life is gonna suck.

When Junior is in high school and Nugget is in middle school….I don’t even want to ponder that.

Alkibiades–Man, that dude can PARTY!

Watch, the game’ll be all “Ha ha, you’ve been banging the ghost of Kosmos all this time! Well, except the time you spent burning war supplies……”


Ha! He probably will turn out to the Ghost of Cosmos! That would be pretty funny, especially for those of us who seized the chance for sexytimes with him at every opportunity (by my count to date: three opportunities).

“Damn it, now I’m going to have to kill the greatest lover I’ve ever known. Siiiiiigh.”

Or maybe it’s an agonizingly difficult choice: Do I kill my brother, who’s kind of murderously insane but still family and who am I to talk about murder really, or do I kill this charming sexy fellow who’s incidentally been masterminding my brother’s murderous insanity?

He IS a bit of a devious mastermind, with all his getting us to deliver insulting presents and haul people into sketchy neighborhoods to be knifed to death. Who’s to say he’s not also in charge of the Cult?

My plan for middle school homework is to send them to boarding school and let them worry about it.

Not really! I need that money for games and booze.


I know! The only “clue” I have is that “The Ghost is involved in Athens politics.” He certainly is involved.


When you finish the game, tell me so we can move on.

It is a catch 22, that. There is nothing more expensive than paying someone else to deal with your children.

So Mrs. McP better get a raise, soon, cuz I am fucking underpaid.


You do deserve a raise. Childcare is criminally undervalued.

I hope I don’t have to kill Alkibiades. We’ve had some fun times.

But man, if that’s what it takes to get to the end of this game, he’s going down.


You can tell me all about it.

He’ll likely be on a boat.

But hey! At least you won’t have to be all “Damn, which bearded guy is it?”

My other theory is Alithusia or whatever. She’s everywhere, man. Everywhere.


Aspasia? Hm. Yes, she does get around. And she seems to know quite a bit about the Cult, which could be because she hates them, or because she controls them.

I could see that.


That’s the one.

I can’t tell the women apart, either.

If it’s her, you can tell me all about it.

I’m gonna go play.


I will tell you all about it. It’s gonna be great. You’re gonna love it.

Butch [later]:

So after the naval battle for mom is….

ANOTHER naval battle?



Yeah. Game…

If it helps, I haven’t had to do a naval battle since! Of course, that’s because I was doing Barnabas’ story and Alkibiades, not the main story. The main story is probably nothing but naval battles from here on.


I wouldn’t be at all surprised. Not. One. Bit.

Oh, so you didn’t go to Thera or wherever? We’re at the same point of the main story?

Is Barnabas’ story worth it?


No, I haven’t gone to look for my father yet. Barnabas is actually kind of relevant to stuff we’ve been discussing on and off, so it was pretty interesting.

Plus, it’s pretty quick…I mean, you have to go to each island from his visions, but the amount of work you have to do on each island is fairly slight. And moderately interesting for its take on various myths and legends. I promise, not a fort in the lot!


No forts? What about boats? WHAT ABOUT BOATS?

And where’d you find Allie again? Lokris or wherever the fuck?


No boats! I mean, you have to sail on a boat to get to the islands, but no naval combats are involved in the actual completion of the story missions! It’s amazing!

I wound up back in Attika for various reasons, and Allie was there. He was nowhere near any of the smaller islands we’ve been on lately.


Damn it, Femmy! Resist major magpie!

It would be quite the irony if, after all this, I finished this before you. Which will likely happen, as we do irony. That we do.


That we do!

That we certainly do.

Although in this case it was only minor magpie. I mean, I wanted to go back to Demosthenes, the guy who wanted us to kill polemarchs, because I’d killed all the polemarchs and wanted to get the quest off my list. And he’s in Athens! And then Allie was right there, and I couldn’t resist because maybe I’ll get some sweet lovin’ out of it!

Spoiler: if you go talk to Demosthenes, he will ask you to kill some more polemarchs. He’s like the ancient Greek version of Preston Garvey in FO4. “Another military camp needs your help! And by ‘help’ I mean go murder some polemarchs!”

To be fair, all of Garvey’s missions also involved murdering people. The similarities are eerie, really.

I also want to get the ‘recruitment drive’ quest off my list, the one for Xenia the pirate queen, where you destroy different types of ships? Because somewhere in all those naval battles, I completed that mission, and she’ll probably give me some money if I go back.


Oh fuck that guy. I’m letting the Polemarchs be. Kevin worked hard for that helmet. He can keep it. I do not miss Preston Garvey. I certainly won’t work for his ancestor.

Wait…you met the pirate queen again? And got a quest? I don’t have a quest for the pirate queen! I liked the pirate queen! Though, not enough to sink a bunch of ships for her.


Naw, this was one of those quests she suggested when you first get to the island: “there are ways to make money.”

I already had the money, and only picked it up because of course I did. If you didn’t pick it up then, you sure as hell shouldn’t bother to go back and pick it up now. Especially since all that naval combat you just did, which would have helped you check off some items for the quest, would now count for nothing.


Oh, fuck that noise.

Though I still have the one about pillaging the chest…..in the fort….so fuck that, too.

Shit, I still have the one about killing the boar WAY back when I was level, like, twelve. All the way on the other side of the map.

So, you know, fuck that, too.

How are we at the same place when you’re doing everything and I’m saying “fuck that” with regularity? Unlike other games where you’ve gotten way ahead of me, I’m actually playing. Almost daily. Even some on the weekends! Have you stopped sleeping?


It’s more that I’ve stopped waiting for Grigio to sleep. We’ve finally reached a point where I can say “I’m going to go do things, you stay here” and he will do it without freaking out. More or less. We’ll hear his clomping little footsteps up and down the hall as he goes to look for a toy or a blanket or a drink of water or something, but as long as he doesn’t come downstairs, or break something, I’m willing to ignore it.

This leaves me a more reliable chunk of evening time to burn war supplies and assassinate captains and polemarchs.


Be very, very thankful you have stairs between where your children sleep and where you spend your evenings. I can’t say “If he doesn’t come downstairs,” cuz his room (And by his I mean Nugget, as he is the only one that dares leave his room) is right by, well, everything.

You can’t hide from Nugget. You just can’t.

It’s terrible. Cuz now they’re at an age where they come out and are all “Can I watch you play?”

I haven’t used my headphones in forever. No need. I ain’t gonna wake them.


You’d THINK I could just say “Take your iPads downstairs, watch annoying Brits play video games while laughing like hyenas” and they’d go but no…..

They insist on watching the laughing Brits UP HERE.

I hate the laughing Brits.

Apparently, when you write erudite, funny posts about video games and booze and children, it’s not as popular as playing games badly while laughing like a hyena.

Who knew?


There’s no reward for the kind of quiet, nonstop brilliance we excel at. Classy, too.


I think that counts as a hyena laugh.


Someday, someday soon, your kids will discover this nonsense.

It’s awful.

But it shuts them up.

So, you know, pros and cons.


Yeah, it’s only a matter of time before we have to introduce them to the joys of video games. I mean, they already know they exist, they know we play, but soon they’ll want to start playing too.

And we can hardly deny them! Because we want them to grow up to be well-balanced individuals with an appreciation for the finer things in life, and we want to share those fine things with them, and they’re too young for booze!

But at the same time, sharing the console with more people is only going to lead to heartache.


It’s bad enough you have to share with Mr. O.

Just….when they discover the youtubers…..


You have no idea…..

They’re all the same, too! Bad at games, loud, British…..

We’re none of those things!


I liked the guy who spent 10 minutes on the etymology and pronunciation of the word “lich”. Make them watch that. It’s educational AND game-related (for certain games).


See, look at some of our past posts. They’re long. Smart. Great, if I don’t say so myself.

And yet, these hyenas are millionaires. MILLIONAIRES! They just laugh like idiots at minecraft! AND THEY’RE RICH!

We are not. And we are smart.

Life is unfair.


They’re probably secretly miserable.

Whereas we’re OPENLY miserable, at least when we don’t get to play games.

Their grapes are no good, either.