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Spoilers for plot developments in AC: Odyssey


I’m trying to decide what is weirder: That I found time to play yesterday or what the fuck I actually played.

The fuck did I just play?

Suffice to say, that is not what I expected. Maybe I should have, though. After all, the old ones, the assassin’s, pretty much everyone is obsessed with triangles. Pythagoras was bound to show up eventually. He’s down there all “I shall ponder this for centuries more!” Kassandra should have just been “Dude, a squared plus b squared equals c squared,” then he could go home, the game could end and we could play something else.

And then the real world bit. I’ve said before that this game is shackled by the fact it’s an AC game. They should’ve just made a new IP. The real world bits are even more evidence of this. Here we are in the past and stuff is finally happening! Weird stuff, but stuff! And then WHOOSH! Here we are with people we don’t know saying weird shit we don’t understand (or I don’t) with stuff in a journal to read. Talk about breaking momentum.

Also, game, you can’t assume we know shit. It’s bad enough THIS game is confusing, but now you’re referencing confusing shit from other games. Blond modern woman is all “That’s impossible! He’d be 150 years old!” and what’s her name, the main character, is all “But he had the Staff of Zooboomafoo! Just like in Egypt!” Now, I know, because Junior is playing it, that the last game took place in Egypt. Junior would likely be all “Shit, man, that’s the Staff of Zooboomafoo!” But I have no fucking idea what that is, why I should care, or how it fits into anything else.

Frankly, I’m getting the sense Ubisoft doesn’t either.

What I do know is that I shouldn’t be controlling a character I don’t understand, swimming in caves, accomplishing very little in terms of narrative when Kassandra just met her dad.

So….is this main story? Was I gonna have to do this even if I went to see mother dearest first? Or is this some gateway to Tales of Atlantis DLC? Was this supposed to happen at this point in the story? Does anyone care?

The fuck did I just play?

And DUDE! The other day when I was all “I know you’re ahead of me cuz you were in the real world” and you were all “No, man, that was Mr. O,” you were so full of shit!



I’m wounded, man. I wouldn’t lie to you! About that. At that particular time.

Seriously, it really was Mr. O’, looking for some last random trophy. I only got to this Atlantis/real-world bit about three days ago. I’m barely ahead of you.

But I agree, it was like “hey, interesting stuff, plot is moving somewhere!” and then ZAP! real world. “Yay, we found Atlantis, let’s go there right away with this whole group of people the player doesn’t know or care about, looking for who knows what!”

I did rather like the juxtaposition of Pythagoras’ “these are mysteries too powerful for humanity, they must be hidden from the world,” with the real-world peoples’ “woohoo, let’s go get whatever it is with zero discussion of the possible consequences!”

Maybe the dude’s got a point: people are too reckless to be trusted with this sort of thing.

And honestly, at this point in the AC series, I just let the stuff that doesn’t make sense wash right over me. Maybe that’s the secret, man. You gotta just RELAX. Yeah, I wasn’t in Egypt and have no idea what staff they’re talking about, but whatever. Based on the context, it’s some magical staff they saw in Egypt that can keep people alive for centuries. Presumably an Isu artifact, since everything magical is. What more do I really need to know? I think I’ve got the gist.

And…that’s a good question about whether this is the main story or Atlantis Tales DLC. I don’t actually know. I know mom told us we should come look for dad, so I assumed we needed to do that first, but now that you mention it, we DID already have the “go see mom in Sparta” quest, so what if we just went straight there? It must have been an option, if we had a quest marker for it.

Maybe you could just lie about it. “Yeah, yeah, I looked for him, we had a nice chat, whatever. Can we move this along here?”

Hm. I do not know. But I do know that if you press on, you very quickly get out of the real world again, and dad asks you to do some stuff that leads to some rather interesting material.


People I haven’t even SEEN! I’ve HEARD them, but that’s about it. Maybe in another game we see them, but I wouldn’t know, game. I wouldn’t know.

That is kinda funny. But hey! He got triangles right!

Man, here you go again, AC making you a different person.

We DESTROY games all the time for plot holes and backassward writing. It’s how we do. We have savaged games for far less than this. And yet, when you play an AC game, you start sounding like the permastoned bassist in the Muppets all “Hey, man…just it it wash over you….” I mean, dude. Did you get the collector’s edition that came with a pound of dope or something?

Right! In fact, “See mom” was higher up on the list than “See dad!” I was sorta thinking it would be a “huh, that was interesting” side quest, not a “HOLY SHIT ATLANTIS!” kind of deal. Very odd.

Oh, I’m out of the real world. The real world bit was, pretty much, swim, swim, jump, swim, go “Wow!” and poof, back in the animus. Like, girlfriend, did you HAVE to do all that swimming just to say “Whelp, back in we go?” Not only did you break the narrative, you made me swim, and you said nothing.

And I talked to dad and now HE wants me to fetch stuff. Two for two. “My mother! After all this time I-” “Go get me three things.” “My father! You? How is this-” “Go get me some shit.”

Kassandra’s gotta be thinking “Dudes, I’m your daughter, not door dash.”


Yeah, I kind of loved that.

“Hey, we found Atlantis, let’s go there RIGHT NOW! Huh. Turns out I can’t make any sense of anything here, better get back into the Animus and see what Kassandra did.”

Just your good luck, lady, that the next thing you see isn’t Kassandra saying “oh no, there’s no way out, I’m trapped here forever discussing math!!!!!” and then 150 years of them sitting around.

I mean, you could have followed up on that before you came all the way here, is all I’m saying.

But yeah. “Go fetch some things!” But I recommend fetching at least the first one that has a specific person to talk to. It was really kind of interesting. You can decide from there if you want to fetch all the rest, or just go back to see mom.

“Yeah, I talked to him, he wanted some stuff, I’ll get to it…maybe.”


I know! You want to say to the assassin’s “Dudes, look. Maybe if you just try to do things rather methodically, you’ll get to where you want to be.” They’re even talking to people who ponder! Every fucking time it’s

Assassin: Tell me the secrets to everything!
Smartie: It is a long and complicated story-
Assassin: TELL ME!
Smartie: I have been pondering it for years and-
Assassin: Three sentences or less.
Smartie: I can’t do that….
Assassin: Then I’ll go bother your alter ego in some other game!
Smartie: No no! Don’t do that….tell you what…if you find me three things….
Assassin: ON IT!
Smartie: Phew. Thought she’d never leave.

All right, I’ll fetch the first thing. But there better not be forts.

There’s gonna be forts.


No forts! I promise!

I mean, there are probably forts somewhere in the area. I can’t promise there aren’t. But there are no forts in the course of the actual mission.

Possibly some alpha animals.


Sigh. Well, at least there aren’t forts. That’s a small favor.


And there’s a new kind of thing! Honest! You’re gonna love it.


Oh a new kind of thing. So, no fort, but a bigassed new screen of branching objectives we have to clear before we can finish the game?

What, capture accountants so you can audit the taxes of each branch of the cult?



No, a COOL new thing. (Although that actually would be pretty great. Don’t mess with the tax collectors!) I mean, also a bunch of fetch quests and random people to kill while tracking down the four things dad wants us to get to activate the four pillars or whatever. There’s that.

But…the things are kind of cool, that’s all. At least, the one I did. And the one I’m half through with right now is also interesting.


FOUR things?

Of course, this game. The one guy who doesn’t ask for three things is the guy known for triangles.


Damn it, you’re right! There SHOULD be three things!

But no, the Isu left four pillars in the Atlantis Command Center or whatever the hell it is, and so we must fetch four magical amulets to activate them. Which Pythagoras thinks is a good idea for some reason, even though it could just blow the whole place up for all he knows.

Did you wander around and listen to all the messages you got from those pillar-things off to the sides? Those were entertainingly snarky, for messages from a divine being.


No! What messages? I missed the messages!

I think I’ll do three of the steles then just finish the game. I think that would make some narrative sense. Pythagoras all

“Man, it was GOING to be A squared plus B squared plus C squared equals D squared! I was going to REVOLUTIONIZE quadrilaterals! Ikaros, are you SURE she’s gone?”

“SWUARK! Yup. Death Stranding came out.”

“Sigh. Triangles it is.”


Yeah, after you talk to dad, wander around those passages to the left and the right of the big undersea window. There are kind of column-y structures with ‘interact’ triangles (triangles it is!) and if you interact a slightly snarky voice will comment on a few things. Mildly interesting.


I like mildly interesting!

You know what is not mildly interesting? Back to school night! Middle school back to school night! Which is where I was last night.


Why’d we have all these kids?


It’s a mystery that may never be fully explained.

I mean, talk about your nonsensical plot holes.


And there’s homework tonight.

Oh, and this cold is likely turning into pneumonia. I’d be sleeping all day if I wasn’t coughing.

I have angered naked Zeus.


Not again, man! You gotta stop angering Naked Zeus!

Literally no good can come of that.

Or of homework. Please accept my deepest sympathies. O’Jr. so far tends to do most of his (simple) homework in the afterschool program, which is a blessing perhaps worth the $175/week it costs to keep him there.


I’ll double it if they take fourth and seventh graders!

Junior has been doing rather well with homework except for English. Sigh. And nugget gets everything right….he just narrates what he’s doing.




People need to know, man.


They do. That they do.

Sometimes he does it like YouTube.

“Hello hello hello nugget here and today we’re doing WORD PROBLEMS!”

Seriously. Just to no one in particular.


Have him occasionally laugh like a hyena, record it, and he’ll be rich.


Oh he does! Seriously! And lord knows what he’s laughing at.

“Eric had seven apples and gave two away? HAHAHAHA!”


Good lord, he’s going to make millions.


It’s gonna be great.

He’s also making videos that mimic battle bots with his bey blades, complete with play by play and replays.

It’s often loud here.



Very loud millions.


Not entirely sure it’s worth it.


I’m not going to argue that point.


Though I am having another argument with myself: when you feel like shit, is it ok to trade potential game time for a nap?


I don’t like to approve any loss of game time, but in the interests of feeling better and possibly being able to play later, I think it is sometimes warranted.

So yeah: nap.


Well, kids are home.


Chest hurts. I’ll still try to play.


If you can’t nap, might as well play.

Dude, try not to get pneumonia again. That sucked.


That it did. That it did.

Being old has drawbacks.


At least we have more money for booze and games now.