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Minor spoilers for main story in AC: Odyssey

Butch:

I’m still patiently waiting for you, here. Didn’t play anyway, what with the insanity of life on Tuesdays.

I hope you have something, because I don’t even have a Pearl of Parental Wisdom short of “Seventh graders are all nuts” and everyone already knows that.

This day might go south early.

Feminina:

I’m deeply wounded that you would think I might not have made any progress on the main story.

Deeply. Wounded.

I finished off the cultist sister. Turns out the plot twist is that they’re identical twins, and they’re both yelling at you to kill the other, and you have to guess which one is the cultist. Then if the non-cultist priestess survives, she says how much she hated her sister but loved her too, and you can say “I know what you mean. Sibling relationships are complicated,” or something, which was an interesting moment of reflection for Kassandra, considering her relationship with Alexios.

Even after all that, I did not find a mythical monster on Kythera!–but I did figure out where it is. On another island, far away in the north of the map, where some guy I did find on Kythera told me to meet him.

But guess what’s kind of on the way there? Sparta!

So I went and gave Lysander some seals from Athenian polemarchs I killed (allowing him to think I did it just for him, even though in fact I was totally going to kill them anyway), and then I ran across the country to talk to mom.

Talked to mom. Talked to Brasidas, who asked me to stop some people (three people!) from arming the helots. Talked to one of the kings, Pau-something, who asked me to stop some people (three people!) from killing the helots. Always three things.

Didn’t help some kids fight off a pack of wolves, because it’s not the Spartan way. Although I kind of oppose the Spartan way? On account of it got me and my baby brother tossed off a cliff? But I decided the kids themselves were likely Spartan enough not to thank me for interfering, and so I let it alone. That will probably come back to haunt me.

So there.

Butch:

Excellent! This means you did something.

Get the fuck out. Another island? Should’ve known. He’ll have three things for you to do.

Ah, yes. Told you of Brasidas’ three things. Did you get a cutscene there? I got a cutscene. It was short. I think it was before I met Pau something. Young guy? We’re all “YOU’RE a king?”

See, this bit confused me. I thought for sure that it was “pick one. Who you with? Helots or not?” And maybe it was and I missed something, but, for me, it wasn’t. Or something. I dunno. I might have fucked this bit all up. How are you going to play it?

I did the same thing with the kids and wolves. Unlike me to leave kids be, but I left them be. For Sparta! And because there was finally some story happening and fuck me if I’m going to give all that up for wolves.

Hooray! Momentum! MOMENTUM!

Hint hint.

Feminina:

Yeah, I’m not sure if this feels like a “support the helots or not” choice. More a “keep the helots from rebelling in various ways” story. “Let’s take away their weapons AND try to convince them that not all Spartans are totally into their senseless murder!” I figure I’ll go after the murderers first. They sound like bastards.

ONLY I am allowed to murder with impunity!

Well, not even me, really, since bounty hunters will hassle me about it. Just because they’re not good at killing me, doesn’t mean they’re not annoying. (But not annoying enough to buy off.)

A cutscene about…? There was some cutscene conversation. A vision of the past when we both touched the spear and saw the cult trying to convince Leonidas to surrender to Xerxes. That cutscene?

Butch:

That’s the one. Random “story.” But at least we know that the cult wasn’t always about killing Kassandra’s family. It’s almost as if Leonidas was working for/with them for a time. Right? That’s how I read it.

At least these three things are quick. Everyone’s fairly close by. You might even have fast travel points that’ll plop you right by everyone. For one of these things, I thought I had to sail. Got on the boat, sailed, like, three oar pulls and there I was. The boat was parked, like fifty feet from the dock forever. Sailors all “Hey, man, can we PLEASE dock? We want to get some wine, meet some ladies….we can’t swim you know. You’re killing us, here!”

When I had to get on the boat again I ALMOST summoned it, but could hear Barnabas all “Commander, this is not worth a load screen!”

Feminina:

Yeah…or at least the cult wasn’t the enemy, necessarily. Maybe they were just kind of around, as far as Sparta was concerned, until the point came when they tried to impose order (a very proto-Templar concern) by letting Sparta be taken over by the Persians. (A sort of “this power-hungry group is all very well until they challenge me personally”?)

I look forward to dealing with several sets of three things for different people.

Butch:

Which I kinda didn’t get. Isn’t Sparta supposed to be all order and shit? Cults, templars, all that, they should LOVE Sparta! Why let them get taken over?

Is this one of those “Just let it wash over you” deals?

Feminina:

Well, it’s certainly one of those “we don’t have enough information to know exactly what’s going on here” deals. Since it’s part of Kassandra’s history, there’s still a chance that it will be part of the narrative we learn at some point.

Butch:

Still a chance, yes. Part of the “narrative,” yes. Some point in the game. Or the next one. Or the one after that.

I’m just gonna let it wash right over me.

If we ever, at some point, maybe, possibly finish this game and move onto something else, are we still going to remember how to critique anything?

Feminina:

Don’t underestimate our prodigious skills at finding things we can talk to death.

Butch:

I have no doubts at all about finding things we can talk to death.

But will we be able to talk about them well?

(He said, knowing he was teeing up SO many jokes.)

Feminina:

I’ll just go with “do we ever?”

Butch:

Yeah, see? That’s the rut we’re in. This game is so predictable, we even take the low hanging, predictable jokes now. This game has dulled us, three silly objectives at a time.

We better play Death Stranding next. Might be so fucking weird our eyes melt, but hey! It’s not gonna be predictable!

Feminina:

I think we’ll be fine.

Or we’re doomed! This is the game that will destroy the blog! We will never be able to discourse thoughtfully on anything again!

We’re going to be fine. You’ll feel better after vacation.

Butch:

God I hope so. Mostly because you’ll be doing stuff I’ve done!

I hope.

But I’m also up for some weird. Though this game looks quite weird. The weird baby? Apparently it can “talk” to you through the speaker in the controller.

At least it’ll be bloggy.

Feminina:

Or it’ll just be us going “that was…weird…” every single day.

But I’m sure it’s going to be great. We’re gonna love it.

Butch:

Hey, weird is good bloggage. When it’s “kill captains,” there isn’t much you an say about that. Weird shit? You can say all kinds of shit about weird shit. It’s why college English professors revel in weird shit. It’s like a bloggage Rorschach blot. That’s right up our alley.

Feminina:

I guess we’ll find out!

Butch:

No we won’t. This game never ends.

EVER.

Feminina:

Outlook’s suggested responses:

“I know.”
“Ok.”
“I believe you.”

You may be right.